life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
