I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
