Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
