Betty ford says i'm here all night
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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