I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
