I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
