I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
