Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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