he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We had to coat check the pizza.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
