the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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