cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
