Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
