There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
