yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
