I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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