My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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