Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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