Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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