I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
