I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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