she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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