I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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