FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
