I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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