Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
