walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
