i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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