It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
