New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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