In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
