Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
