I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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