Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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