Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize
