if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
