Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
