Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Randomize
