Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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