In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
