I am puke
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I cut my penus on the lid.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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