She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Randomize
