woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
