I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
