omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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