I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
