i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
