My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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