The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
