I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
