Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
